Living with an Eating Disorder

The biggest misconception with eating disorders is when they are going to go away. As with many mental illnesses, they are an illness, a disorder. When it comes to matters of the brain, many individuals don’t realize that they are an ongoing, life-long battle. I’m not saying that these disorders cannot be treated, or “fixed”, rather that the individual will be challenging their method of thinking indefinitely.

Having a binge eating disorder myself, I can relate completely to unhealthy thoughts in regards to health, food, and happiness. For years, I have told myself that I won’t be happy until my body looks a certain way or until I weigh a specific amount. I can’t be successful if I’m not confident in how I look, so therefore I must diet to get to that ideal image that I have in my brain. A never-ending, losing battle!

The best advice I can offer to anyone with unhealthy thoughts to health, body-image, or nutrition first would be to seek professional help. I by no means am a physician treating individuals with disorders on a daily basis, but I am an individual who faces these unhealthy thoughts constantly.

We don’t have to allow these negative thoughts of self-image run our days, much less our lives, anymore. By challenging myself mentally, I have found the importance of following a well-balanced, nutritious lifestyle. Instead of focusing on what my body looks like now or what I would like it to look like, I’ve had to change my focus on eating consistently (every two to four hours) a healthy meal of protein, nutritious fats and carbohydrates, maintaining stable blood sugar levels. I try to enjoy a balance of various fruits and vegetables, and continually challenge myself to try a new food item with almost every meal. This process helps reduce drops in blood sugar, which in turn reduces my urge to eat unhealthy, nutritionless foods.

Because I have such a high liking to sweets, I have discovered that fruit is a great alternative to the half-gallon of ice cream I used to binge on. Whenever I crave something sweet, I simply prepare a serving of fruit and enjoy the taste, not the “rebellious” aspect of eating something I know I shouldn’t be. Now, you might be thinking what’s wrong with ice cream (or any other sweets for that matter)? Absolutely nothing, as long as you can enjoy them in moderation. Like I mentioned before, I used to binge on a half-gallon, not the typical serving size! As with any sweets, my mind tells me “more, more, more” because I don’t know the next time I will allow myself to have some of that amazing food item I love more than anything. And that is where the excessive dieting and cycle of binge eating repeats itself.

When you binge, you gain weight. When you diet, hopefully, you lose weight. This yo-yo process becomes exhausting and overwhelming, until one day you’ve had enough. Everyday I used to think to myself, how is today going to be different? Today’s the day that I’m going to stop having an eating disorder and enjoy food like a “normal” person. To be quite honest, I’m still waiting for that day ;), but in the meantime I’ll use the tools I have learned to control these urges.

I no longer deprive myself from treats or foods I like to enjoy, I have simply learned how to enjoy them in moderation. I have set goals for myself that mean more to me than the taste of chocolate, and have used that as another form of food moderation. Remember, depriving yourself of foods can lead to excessive overeating, which in turn can lead to weight gain and unhealthy bodyweight. Allow yourself to enjoy your favorite foods, simply do so in moderation, and when your body feels satisfied, simply listen.

Bodybuilding is Not for Everyone!

Bodybuilding is not for everyone! For years I trained the unique style of bodybuilding without the knowledge of why I was training body parts as I did. I would train anywhere from thirty minutes to two and a half hours to the point where I barely broke a sweat or barely had enough energy to walk. For years I wanted to compete as a Fitness competitor, but couldn’t find the inner strength to commit to the lifestyle and dedication it takes to be successful in the sport.

So what is bodybuilding? It is a unique training method used to sculpt the body to meet its perfect form by being proportionate, lean, and muscular. The bigger the better! Did I have the desire to look like a professional bodybuilder? No. However, I did possess the desire for the perfect physique, with well developed muscles, low body fat, and a strong build.

As with any exercise program, my biggest setback was lack of results. By results, I don’t mean only physically, but mentally as well. My body never really seemed to change, no matter how hard I worked in the gym. Day after day, hour after hour, I put all of my energy into creating the perfect physique with nothing to show for it. I had all of the support and desire I needed to succeed, but I discovered that what I lacked was knowledge of the most efficient ways to train and the motivation to maintain a healthy nutrition program.

My biggest setback came when I decided to take the leap and commit to my first Fitness competition. Fourteen weeks before the show I began following a strict low-carbohydrate, low-fat diet and exercise plan, spending anywhere from one and a half to three hours in the gym training everyday. I measured all of my food, ate at the same time everyday, and drank as much water as I could possibly stand. Four weeks later I was thirteen pounds lighter, weighing the least amount I had in years. I was trilled! I began fitting into my clothes better, being able to wear things I was too embarrassed to wear before. I began gaining some of my confidence back! Who wants to quit that?

Then, the setback came. I began noticing that over those last four weeks I was extremely irritable, depressed, exhausted, hungry, frustrated, feeling cloudy; quite simply not happy. My body was changing, so it must be worth it right? Wrong. I would cry thinking about my next meal of six ounces of chicken breast and two cups of veggies. The only thing that made me smile was pondering the thought of quitting; I am not a quitter I would tell myself. If I don’t achieve this goal, how will I ever achieve anything in life? So there I was, again, comparing my happiness to how my body looked in the mirror. If I’m skinny I’ll be happy. If I can win this competition I will gain self-confidence. Truly digging into my own heart, I realized that my happiness and the way I was treating others was more important than standing on a stage in ten weeks. I decided to quit dieting for the show.

I had never been so happy! I was able to eat anything I wanted, and still fit into my “skinny” clothes. Unfortunately, that never lasts long. I found myself bingeing on high carbohydrate and high fat foods such as ice cream and Mexican food. I couldn’t get enough, and I couldn’t seem to stop gaining weight either. Nutrition advice I had been given, I knew how to eat well (most of us do) but I never seemed to be able to commit to a specific “nutrition program”, or a healthy way of eating.

Now, over a year later, I am finally able to control my nutrition habits. After months of bingeing, depression, and feeling sorry for myself enough was enough. I came to a point where my goals and happiness became more important than how I looked in the mirror.

Not only did I decide to not compete in the fitness competition, I began a whole new way of training. I started completeing full-body workouts combining cardiovascular training with weight training. Without too many changes in my nutrition I began to notice my body change, and felt I worked as hard as I did when I was a gymnast, almost ten years ago! As I learned more and more about the proper ways to train the body, I began to get stronger, faster than ever before and gained even more motivation to achieve my fitness goals. Now, using sandbags, kettlebells, bodyweight exercises, and suspension units I am on my way to achieving my ultimate fitness goals and believe in myself once again.

I encourage all of you to continue on with your fitness goals! You can, and will succeed!